Survivor's Remorse

Don,

Glad to hear that you are back in the world of technology! We often laugh about just how dependent we are and we say "Oh, not us!"  But in reality, the land of Wi-Fi has become, for some, a life line. I try hard not to look at email or e-news while I'm doing the marathon grading – but it has become a diversion that I sometimes need.

Your daughter and I should get together and write a book of excuses! This quarter I had a rash of student cars being towed. Now, I'm not sure how you know your car is being towed at the very minute  you are in class and your car is 5 blocks away... I know! My students have precognition! But only when it comes to their cars. They apparently had absolutely no idea about their final grades.

It's been a long hard 2 weeks. I'm finally done with grading, the grades are posted and the old quarter has been put to bed. I figure that I've graded about 8 pounds of papers this quarter - 2 pounds of it in the last 2 weeks.  Students became aware that maybe they should have put forth more effort a little sooner and they begged for more to improve their grades. But, too little too late. There was nothing more any of us could do. My standard line became, "Don't let me every catch you with another grade as low as this one. It is a poor reflection of what you can do..." I sigh, they sigh, and hope fades for some.

There is a psychological condition known as "Survivor's Guilt".    The military deals with this a lot; it is the trauma of surviving when everyone else dies. We see it when a single family member survives an accident or friends survive a mass shooting and others of their group do not. I'm going to suggest that there is another, lesser traumatic condition known as "Survivor's Remorse."   (Not the TV show)

We had another round of layoff this last week.  The majority of the surviving faculty was told that there were a number of cuts that still had to be made, and a generous buy-out offer was made. Everyone at the meeting had the option to take the package and go through "separation" from the company. If they choose to do nothing, and the numbers were not met, the company would decide who would be separated out. I was not offered the package this go-round.

It became hard for me to go to work, knowing that next week, friends won't be there anymore. At this moment in time, I still have a job. For this I am very grateful and incredibly sad at the same time. There is nothing I can do or offer to keep my friends employed. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling this way.  

I'm reading a book by Gregg Krech, The Art of Taking Action: Lessons From Japanese Psychology. He recommends that instead of trying to hide from, deny, push away the sadness of loss, hold it gently in your heart with warmth and tenderness. And as the British say, "Soldier on." And while we're doing that, Krech suggests that we find the blessings in our lives and be okay with them.

It's hard to be gentle and tender when those around me are ranting and stamping their feet; it's hard to soldier on knowing that my already full classes will now be overflowing.  And I'm afraid to share my blessings when so many are scared and feeling turned out and abandoned. This is a confusing time for everyone.

I'm trying really hard to not judge those who demand that Education turn a profit, or that all classes be taught the way the politicians were educated. I know that none of them have ever faced a class of excited new students who are trying to be their own hero, trying to save their own day, and maybe, by doing that, they can save the days of those around them.  To those instructors that have made this possible, thank you. For those of you who are facing new opportunities – may your lives be blessed. For those of us soldiering on, may we do it gracefully.

What would Mr. Twain say, Don?

It's been a long six months...

Carolyn